Little Harmonica

Haven’t been here in a long while. Hi…

Haven’t been here in a long while. Hi…

Woah. I haven’t been here in months. Are you people still alive? By the way, you can follow me on Insatgram…where I’ve been hiding mostly these days…:)

http://instagram.com/thelittleharmonica

Just received my final diagnostic report for Ethan. It’s official, he has Autism too. I secretly hoped he didn’t. It’s harder when you see it in black and white. You know… Your child is disabled.

  • My father was awful to us growing up. But during the brief moments where he wasn't drunk or depressed, he was the best Dad ever. He has since apologised so I'm holding onto those. I want to have regrets about my childhood but had it not been that way I wouldn't be the strong woman I am today. Happy Father's Day, Daddy. You were a bastard but you gave me life, so thank you.

Today I overheard a woman in the grocery store tell her friend that Jude is spoiled. He was having a meltdown at the time and I couldn’t get him to stop flailing his arms and legs and crying. I walked to a different section and later bumped into her again. She kept staring at him disgustedly.
Every day I encounter this and I was fed up. So I went up to her and asked if she had a problem. I explained that my boys have Autism. She was not in the least bit sympathetic.
I left shaking. Because what I really wanted to do was punch her in the face, I was that mad.
People will never understand how it feels to walk in our shoes every day. We’re not bad parents…and we don’t have bad kids. We’re just trying to make the best out of the cards life dealt us.
Humans are cruel…

It took me three years. Three long, stressful years. But today I won…

I’m finally getting child support and whatever else from a bully who sought to destroy me.

You can’t keep a good woman down. Happy Tuesday. I damn well deserve it.

Pensive.

I always get this way in the week of my anniversary of going clean from heroin. 

Did I do the right thing? Why am here?…go through my head. And then the guilt associated with it. I still haven’t forgiven myself. Hurting people I love in that time, being something I’m not, wasting time. I could’ve been further in life. 

Everyone says “you wouldn’t be the person you are if you hadn’t gone through all of that”. 

Question is…do I even like that person?

My Jude used the toilet at home today for the first time. Parents of children with Autism will know that it’s a struggle to potty train, and usually there’s a huge delay compared with typical kids. Luckily for me they started the work at school already. 

Last night I put the smaller seat on the bowl. He just went straight to it, used it and flushed. What a good boy. I’m so proud. 

What some take for granted is a big deal to us. And I’m so glad to be getting rid of diapers.

Exhale. 

I never told anyone….

When I was 8 years old, a teacher locked me in a store room for an hour because I wouldn’t stop crying in class. I was sad and tired because my parents had been fighting straight through the night. She never asked me why, she just punished me….

Cunt. 

I remember the day I found out Jude had Autism. I cried for two weeks solid. I asked myself what was wrong with me, where did I err in life, how am I going to handle this…and worst of all with an unsupportive partner. I went to countless assessments on my own, leaving emotionally drained and not being able to tell a single soul because that’s just me. I survived because I had to, because I’m all he’s got. 
All we ever ask is that our children be healthy, they they not suffer in this world. This is the face of the person who gets me out of bed in the morning, that gives my life meaning. He’s not like all the other kids, but he’s mine. And he’ll always be perfect in my eyes….
It’s World Autism Awareness Day and I’m grateful for this beautiful person in my life. 

I remember the day I found out Jude had Autism. I cried for two weeks solid. I asked myself what was wrong with me, where did I err in life, how am I going to handle this…and worst of all with an unsupportive partner. I went to countless assessments on my own, leaving emotionally drained and not being able to tell a single soul because that’s just me. I survived because I had to, because I’m all he’s got. 

All we ever ask is that our children be healthy, they they not suffer in this world. This is the face of the person who gets me out of bed in the morning, that gives my life meaning. He’s not like all the other kids, but he’s mine. And he’ll always be perfect in my eyes….

It’s World Autism Awareness Day and I’m grateful for this beautiful person in my life. 

"

belittle, v.


No, I don’t listen to the weather in the morning. No, I don’t keep track of what I spend. No, it hadn’t occurred to me that the Q train would have been much faster. But every time you give me that look, it doesn’t make me want to live up to your standards.

"

David Levithan, The Lover’s Dictionary

Hearing him say “I love you” is great. But when he randomly says “I miss you” because we’ve both been really busy all day…that’s even better. 

Last night….

Last night….

I woke up a little angry today and it’s just ruined my entire day. Thinking of the past will do that to you. How people have hurt me spills over into present relationships, it’s inevitable. I’m having trouble believing people genuinely care for me. I need to have constant reassurance. It stems from all those I-love-yous that would turn into a verbal or physical attack within minutes. I don[‘t know how to fix this. I’m trying. But I wish I knew what I had done to deserve it, that they felt they had a right to try to destroy me and leave me broken for those who honestly want to love me. All I need more than anything in this world is to be able to trust again. And to believe it wasn’t my fault.