Little Harmonica

Pensive.

I always get this way in the week of my anniversary of going clean from heroin. 

Did I do the right thing? Why am here?…go through my head. And then the guilt associated with it. I still haven’t forgiven myself. Hurting people I love in that time, being something I’m not, wasting time. I could’ve been further in life. 

Everyone says “you wouldn’t be the person you are if you hadn’t gone through all of that”. 

Question is…do I even like that person?

Posted April 13, 2013 at 6:36 am 27 notes

My Jude used the toilet at home today for the first time. Parents of children with Autism will know that it’s a struggle to potty train, and usually there’s a huge delay compared with typical kids. Luckily for me they started the work at school already. 

Last night I put the smaller seat on the bowl. He just went straight to it, used it and flushed. What a good boy. I’m so proud. 

What some take for granted is a big deal to us. And I’m so glad to be getting rid of diapers.

Exhale. 

Posted April 11, 2013 at 5:23 am 31 notes

I never told anyone….

Posted April 10, 2013 at 2:19 pm 18 notes

When I was 8 years old, a teacher locked me in a store room for an hour because I wouldn’t stop crying in class. I was sad and tired because my parents had been fighting straight through the night. She never asked me why, she just punished me….

Cunt. 

Posted April 10, 2013 at 2:17 pm 36 notes

I remember the day I found out Jude had Autism. I cried for two weeks solid. I asked myself what was wrong with me, where did I err in life, how am I going to handle this…and worst of all with an unsupportive partner. I went to countless assessments on my own, leaving emotionally drained and not being able to tell a single soul because that’s just me. I survived because I had to, because I’m all he’s got.  All we ever ask is that our children be healthy, they they not suffer in this world. This is the face of the person who gets me out of bed in the morning, that gives my life meaning. He’s not like all the other kids, but he’s mine. And he’ll always be perfect in my eyes…. It’s World Autism Awareness Day and I’m grateful for this beautiful person in my life. 

I remember the day I found out Jude had Autism. I cried for two weeks solid. I asked myself what was wrong with me, where did I err in life, how am I going to handle this…and worst of all with an unsupportive partner. I went to countless assessments on my own, leaving emotionally drained and not being able to tell a single soul because that’s just me. I survived because I had to, because I’m all he’s got. 

All we ever ask is that our children be healthy, they they not suffer in this world. This is the face of the person who gets me out of bed in the morning, that gives my life meaning. He’s not like all the other kids, but he’s mine. And he’ll always be perfect in my eyes….

It’s World Autism Awareness Day and I’m grateful for this beautiful person in my life. 

Posted April 2, 2013 at 6:04 am 41 notes

"

belittle, v.


No, I don’t listen to the weather in the morning. No, I don’t keep track of what I spend. No, it hadn’t occurred to me that the Q train would have been much faster. But every time you give me that look, it doesn’t make me want to live up to your standards.

"

David Levithan, The Lover’s Dictionary

Posted March 27, 2013 at 5:13 pm 10 notes

Hearing him say “I love you” is great. But when he randomly says “I miss you” because we’ve both been really busy all day…that’s even better. 

Posted March 24, 2013 at 7:15 pm 26 notes

Last night….

Last night….

Posted March 20, 2013 at 3:46 pm 49 notes

I woke up a little angry today and it’s just ruined my entire day. Thinking of the past will do that to you. How people have hurt me spills over into present relationships, it’s inevitable. I’m having trouble believing people genuinely care for me. I need to have constant reassurance. It stems from all those I-love-yous that would turn into a verbal or physical attack within minutes. I don[‘t know how to fix this. I’m trying. But I wish I knew what I had done to deserve it, that they felt they had a right to try to destroy me and leave me broken for those who honestly want to love me. All I need more than anything in this world is to be able to trust again. And to believe it wasn’t my fault.

Posted March 17, 2013 at 12:11 pm 28 notes

OMG. Melt.

OMG. Melt.

Posted March 15, 2013 at 3:27 pm 105 notes

Today…I couldn’t decide whether I wanted to be awesome or awesome.

Today…I couldn’t decide whether I wanted to be awesome or awesome.

Posted March 13, 2013 at 5:04 pm 35 notes

Hey guys…

I’m here to ask a favour. My other half has entered his movie trailer “Alien Abduction” in a contest. Watching it means you could help him move ahead and make me happy at the same time. It’s only 30 seconds long. 

Please and thank you. Take care x

http://cinecoup.com/alienabduction

Posted March 13, 2013 at 4:08 pm 16 notes

I’ve missed you guys. I realise the value in venting at these places. Even if no one is really listening or is basically useless to you in your real world, not talking about things is not conducive to good mental health. Although I’ve not been sad for a very long time, sometimes just saying “hey, I had a bad day” without being judged is healing. I hope to post more often….and that you’ll tag along. We need people, as much as I hate admitting that. I hope you are well, my so-called secret friends. Take care….and share. It’s power….

Posted March 7, 2013 at 6:33 pm 41 notes

Guess who?

Guess who?

Posted March 7, 2013 at 6:14 pm 47 notes

Ethan today

Ethan today

Posted January 23, 2013 at 10:10 am 27 notes